Whether you are pursuing this journey alone or with a partner, Listening to your inner voice is crucial. We spend our awaken hours worrying about work, kids, money, family, friends, health, etc, and when we finally fall asleep, we often dream about things that happened during those times. It is rare we take a few minutes of our day to just sit in a quiet place and…listen. This is especially difficult for parents who spend the day raising little humans. We are tasked with daily responsibilities that will simply pile up if we don’t get them done.
Exercise: Start with once a week, take a few minutes of your day to listen to your inner thoughts. It doesn’t matter what time of the day you do it, but I do want you to do this somewhere you feel safe and can concentrate. Think about how your sexual journey has been in the last few years. Are you where you want to be? If not, what do you want your sexual life to look like when you reach your goal? This may seem like a silly task, but it is actually the most important part. If you are not true to yourself, you may be missing out on amazing experiences in the future. Don’t be ashamed. These thoughts aren’t going anywhere if they are simply ignored, they will just go to the back of the line and show up again in the future. Don’t ignore who you truly are.
MAKE A LIST
I am definitely a list person. When I want to organize my day, I make a list. It helps me organize my thoughts, so why not organize my sexual life? But there is one specific way this list is built, and I want you to follow the exact model.
Exercise: On a piece of paper, I want you to make a list of every fetish, dirty experience, crazy fantasy you’ve ever had but never had the opportunity to explore. Again, be truthful to yourself and don’t be ashamed of writing them down. *If you’re going through this journey with a partner, make sure you both have separate lists.
Once you have finished creating your list, I want you to rate each item from 1-5.
1 – Seems cool but I don’t really care about trying.
2- I want to try but not right now.
3- Yes, definitely interested in trying.
4- Yes! I must try it.
5- Hell yes! Let’s do it now.
This will help you organize your priorities and once you start crossing off those items, you will have a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction.
With any other activity, the world of BDSM is full of risks. Taking the time to read about each item on your list will give you the knowledge and safety you need in order to complete them in a safe and fun way.
Terms to keep in mind:
Aftercare When a scene is over, aftercare is the emotional and physical care that’s administered, usually by a top. Proper aftercare may be used to prevent a drop. Keep in mind that the dominant individual also needs aftercare.
Age Play When one person takes on an older role and one person takes on a younger role, such as pretending to be a little child.
BDSM An umbrella term used to describe a sexual practice that involves the use of physical control, psychological power, or pain. It typically includes the components of bondage and discipline, domination and submission, or sadism or masochism.
Bondage and Discipline A type of BDSM practice that incorporates bondage (tying, binding, or restraining someone) and discipline (punishing a submissive partner when they break a rule).
Bottom The person in a scene who follows the orders and receives the sensations.
Breath Play A form of play when one participant controls their breath. This may include choking or holding the breath.
Consent Agreeing to certain acts in a BDSM scene or relationship. Practitioners believe that consent is what separates BDSM from assault.
Contract An arrangement that outlines the rules and structures of a BDSM relationship. It may be written or oral.
Dom A dominant who is male.
Domina A dominant who is female and embraces a feminine gender role.
Dominance and Submission (D/s) A term for the behaviors or rituals that a submissive person follows in a BDSM relationship. In D/S, one person usually has power over another.
Dominant A person who has the authority in a BDSM relationship or scene.
Drop The physical or emotional exhaustion that takes place after a scene. Both tops and bottoms may experience a drop. Crying, feeling sad, and physical shaking are all signs of a drop.
Dungeon A location where BDSM play takes place (usually in a person’s home or at a club).
Dungeon Monitor A person (or group of people) who supervises BDSM activities at a club or play party to make sure the acts are safe and consensual.
Edge Play BDSM acts that are considered more intense or dangerous, such as breath play.
Female Dominance When a woman takes the dominant role in a BDSM relationship or scene.
Female Submission BDSM activity in which a woman submits to a sexual partner.
Fetish An obsession with a specific experience, body part, or object.
Fetish Wear The clothing worn by those who practice BDSM (usually leather attire or other role-playing costumes).
Gender Play A type of BDSM play when an individual in a scene takes on the role of the opposite gender.
Hard Limits An activity that a person in a BDSM relationship absolutely won’t do. A hard limit can’t be negotiated.
Impact Play A type of BDSM play that involves striking the body. This can be done with a hand, paddle, cane, whip, flogger, or other instrument.
Kink Nonconventional sexual practices. BDSM is often referred to as kink.
Master The person who has control over a slave in a consensual master-slave relationship.
Male Dominance BDSM acts when the dominant partner is a man, also called maledom.
Male Submission BDSM activities when the submissive participant is a man, also referred to as malesub.
Masochist An individual who likes or becomes sexually gratified by their own pain or humiliation.
Munch An informal meeting or party, often at a public place, where people interested in BDSM can mingle.
Play A term used to describe the BDSM acts themselves.
Play Party A social gathering where guests can engage in BDSM activity.
Pro Domme A woman who is a professional top and dominant.
Protocol A rule or rules that people practicing BDSM agree to follow.
Role Play When one or more people take on a different identity during a scene. Examples may include teacher-student, doctor-patient, or boss-employee role plays.
Sadism and Masochism This subset of BDSM involves inflicting pain or humiliation for the purpose of pleasure or sexual gratification.
Sadist A person who enjoys or becomes sexually aroused by inflicting pain or humiliation on someone else.
Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC) This phrase describes what the BDSM community considers ethical behavior. Kink enthusiasts stress that activities must always be safe, sane, and consensual.
Safe Word An agreed upon word or phrase that a bottom, sub, or slave can say during a scene to stop the activity or session immediately. Some common safe words are “red,” “red light,” “pineapple,” and “banana.”
Soft Limits A limit that’s more flexible than a hard limit. It might be an act that a person is hesitant to perform but may be willing to try.
Scene The actual BDSM activities or encounters that take place are known as a scene.
Slave A person who gives up total control of one or more parts of their life to a master.
Submissive Someone who submits to a dominant person in a BDSM relationship or scene. Submissive can be shortened to sub.
Switch A person who sometimes plays a top and sometimes plays a bottom in a BDSM scene.
Top The person who performs the BDSM acts in a scene.
Topping From the Bottom When a bottom tries to control a scene even though it was agreed that the top would be in charge.
24-7s When individuals in a relationship engage in some form of BDSM at all times (24 hours a day, 7 days a week).
Vanilla Sex Used by people in the BDSM community to label sexual behavior that doesn’t involve kink.
FIND LIKEMINDED INDIVIDUALS
Making new friends was never an easy task for me. I am a true introvert who absolutely loves my quiet time and solitude. Staying home by myself was never an issue for me, but I knew I had to push myself out of my comfort zone in order to reach my goal. I remember going on dates just to train myself to interact with others. In fact, I went on so many dates, that by the end of the week, I was exhausted! But it paid off in the end. No, I am still a huge introvert, but I am capable of having a normal conversation with someone without having an anxiety attack in the middle of it. I met incredible individuals in the BDSM community that helped me build the next steps of my journey and are now more like family than friends. And this is what I want for you.
Exercise: Research kink-friendly locations around you. There you will meet incredible people with the same twisted and beautiful mind as you. Make an effort to attend kink-friendly events and learn about why they enjoy kink. Work on creating a bond with likeminded people and be open to learning from them.
Tip: Me mindful that other people’s kinks may not be your kink, and that’s ok. Kink shaming someone may result in undoing years of work they’ve put into accepting themselves and being happy. Keep an open mind and criticism to yourself. Even with face expressions!
can still remember the first time I had a D/s scene with a submissive. Until then, all of my sexual encounters were with a Dominant partner, but I was ready for more. The first item in my list was to have a D/s scene with a submissive male. Granted I had no idea what I was doing, but I left the scene with a giant smile on my face and feeling like I was ready to conquer the world. I felt inspired and refueled. I had become addicted to that feeling, and I wasn’t going to stop until I was fully satisfied.
TACKLE THE FIRST ITEM ON YOUR LIST
Exercise: Choose your first item to tackle. Keep in mind that this is just the beginning of a very long and fulfilling journey, so don’t rush the process. Pick one simple item you know you can complete and stick with it. Be truthful and respectful to your body and mind. As you explore, start crossing out the items on your list.
This may seem like an easy enough fantasy to explore, but it isn’t. If you are going through this journey with a partner, intense communication will be extremely important to make sure this fantasy is completed successfully. You BOTH will need to be on the same page. Ask questions, keep an open mind and then ask more questions. Take the time to understand your partner’s feelings behind their thoughts and respect their ideas.
Tip: If you are looking for a successful threesome experience, consider attending non-monogamous events, swingers clubs, hopping on online platforms that caters to the non-monogamy individuals.